Kung Fu Hustle


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

My entry in Tim Morehouse's Contest

Tim Morehouse, a silver medalist in Foil on the USA Fencing Team has a contest asking who would win in a bout between Yoda and Zorro.  Below is my entry.  If you want to follow the competition, you can follow it here.

Having cleared a piste in the halls of Vahalla, Cyrano de Bergarac, acting as director, reviews the rules of the match, “Standard epee rules will apply, point only attacks, anywhere on the body. Master Yoda has agreed to forgo both Jedi mind tricks and Force attacks.”
Pointing to each side, he continued, “Our floor judges for this match will be Mme. Julie d’Aubigny and M. Miyamoto Musashi, they shall determine if the equipment registers an invalid touch upon the floor.”
“The piste has been modified to accommodate both combatants, so instead of 14 meters by 2 meters, the area of action is 20 meters in diameter. The bout will be to 10 touches. Time for bout will be 8 minutes and as with standard epee rules, double touches are allowed. Gentlemen, shall we begin?”
“Don Diego De la Vega, Master Yoda, ready? Fence!”
Zorro stands straight legged and begins to walk the perimeter of the circle. Master Yoda remains where he is en garde with his eyes closed, unmoving. As Zorro passes Master Yoda, he begins to tighten the circle, until he is almost directly behind the Jedi Master by six feet. As he reaches attack distance, he lunges, point directed to Yoda’s left shoulder. As the point reaches Master Yoda, his shoulder drops a few centimeters until the point passes, and then rises again to pick up the blade. As Master Yoda turns pushing the blade up and past him as he spins in place. Yoda’s blade is pointed Don Diego’s midsection. Don Diego stops just before running onto the blade.
“Try harder, you must.” Says the Jedi Master.
Zorro backs away. Warily watching the small, green Jedi, he begins again walking the perimeter of the piste. Again Master Yodi maintains an en garde near the center with his eyes closed. De la Vega continues until he has nearly made a second circuit around the Jedi Master and again closes from off to the right hand side. Again, as the point reaches Master Yoda’s right shoulder, it drops fractionally, just allowing the point to pass, and rises again, picking up the side of the point. As Yoda pivots, the point passes him and he again has his point directed at Zorro’s midsection. Zorro halts again before he can impale himself upon the point.
Yoda straightens his arm slightly gently, barely touching Zorro as the green light goes on.
“Halt!” yells Cyrano, “Touch left!” as he points to Zorro.
Don Diego De la Vega nods, removing his mask and says, “Master Yoda, I concede. I shall buy the drinks today.”
The crowd in Vallaha roars with appreciation and lines up for their drinks.

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